Showing posts with label decision. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decision. Show all posts

Friday, July 22, 2016

This time, starting over.



This time, I hope it sticks.
This time, I want it to stick.
This time, I'm here to stay.
This time, I want to keep at it and not stray.

This blog,
All the words,
Every emotion and anecdote and thought
Scribbled or jotted in
Under my alter ego's name:
Raphael.

This time, I'm back.
And I don't want to ever leave.
This time, it's for real.
I hope my blog forgives me.

This random, lazy poem;
Is only so I can warm into the act.
This is only the launch pad;
Stepping stone;
Before I start to scream, and yell, and tell stories,
Like before.

This time, I'm writing for myself
Hello to any of the old followers who still remember.
Hello to anyone new who might have accidentally tripped over here.

This time,
I want to start with thank you.
Gratitude.
To my beautiful, my own, my own, my own, blog.
To those who read and sent encouraging, cheerful thoughts.
To all the amazing friendships I made because of the blog,
Thank you because all of this has endured.
Love. Joy. Words. Pain. Life in General.
The words seem cliche in the line above.
It doesn't matter.

It matters that I've shared, and it has been a joy to share here.
This time, I'm back in this welcome space,
And I do not intend to leave.





Saturday, November 17, 2012

The year that was mine.

Entirely mine.

So here's what was going on while I went on blog-hiatus. Gak, these days (months, more like), everytime I blog, the post is by default a comeback post.
  • My IIMK life has come to an end. (Tragic sigh follows)
  • Which also means that my hostel life is over. Phew!
  • Niqah over (I know I make it sound like an army commander reporting about a completed mission. That's how I felt once the hullabaloo had died down.)
  • My heart wants a sabbatical, my brain wants other stuff.
Yeah, I wanted to do this post couple of weeks back, but like everything else I plan, this one got pushed down the procrastinated-pipeline-of-things-I-totally-have-to-be-doing-already.

Living Alone
Fending for myself in a new city was daunting, sometimes even aggravating in the start. Especially when you are a lazy bum and a geographically retarded bum at that, like me. Fun nevertheless. I could make impulsive decisions and just go buy stuff when I fancied so. I could do crazy stuff and just be me, and not worry, since hey- no one cares! And the beauty of earning and spending it on my family and myself. I still remember receiving my first paycheck. Great day!

And haunting the second hand book store. It became my favorite haunt in all of Calicut after IIMK. Thanks to Rahul!

Roomie love
Sure this life came with its baggage. My colleague and I had joined together, and lived together. Boy was that mad. We're as unlike each other as possible. To the point where if I like something, I know she'll hate it, and vice versa. We couldn't stand each other's lifestyle. So when she moved out after getting a new job- the move practically saved our friendship. Ridunkulus as that may sound. See, some relationships are like that. It's better not to spend too much time together in such cases cos that will just ruin things.

Anyway, I made a truckload of friends at my hostel. A motley crowd in fact. They came and they went. Some stayed longer thanks to their respective exams or courses, some lasted only weeks before they ran from the crap food and kleptomaniacs that infest the hostel. But despite the number of days they spent there, I fell in love with all the girls who were unlucky/lucky? enough to be my roommates. Some were strong, intelligent and outspoken and awesome like my first roomie Amu. Some were whimsical like Luna Lovegood (Leah!). Some were mature and sametime crazy like Christie. Whichever way, all beautiful, all amazing.

Coming back, main point of the whole crazy hostel life:
I lasted a whole year!
It's definitely something to be proud of, kid. I survived bad food, consequent sicknesses, forthmentioned creepy kleptomaniacs and more.

Niqah-
ok, I'mma be brief about this cos ceremonies and social functions ain't my thing. And the Niqah just emphasised that fact. I love being around my family. Extended family included. I unconditionally love them all no matter how weird or flawed they may be. They're family. Everything's forgiven.
Anyway, my Niqah event was crazy fun thanks to this extended family. We came together as one single unit, had fun, goofed around and in general- had a great time. What I didn't love was the dress-up part. SO not me.

And the wedding songs that I usually am ok with when singing for someone else getting married. But when it's me they are singing to, I'm actually yawning! I can't stand the cheesier than cheesy lyrics (try this: "the girl blushed as they made her wear the pretty flowers". Gaaaaah. Seriously? Seriously? I'm supposed to not laugh at that??!)They're fun as long as you don't sing em to me!

 But it was fun watching my cousins and mom and dad and the photographer who came plead and beg me to Smile like a girl would smile dammit! All I could muster was my half-smile/smirk.
And here's proof that I've had the same smile ever since I was a wee bratty kid. (I was a brat. A spoilt one at that)
Le smirky face
They wanted something else. I tried a grin, but that was ruled out as unwholesome. How? Was it an alligator laugh? Or you find the girl seeming like she's on dope? Maybe it's the second. Or maybe it's just me. Siiiiiigh.



IIM aka Heaven aka Para-para-paradise
Saving the bias for last.
Like I mentioned, my IIM phase is over. And that's a huge void that will never get filled up. Ever. This is where I need a melodramatic emoticon to express all my melancholy and pain at departure from said heaven.
 
    This is where I got over the trauma I had received from my dept head from post grad years. ok, I really want to say awful things about him, but I realize I'll just be damaging myself, so I refrain.
     This is where I grew into a confident, self-assured, strong person. Most of that had gotten wiped off the slate from the above mentioned miserable black hole of a human.
     This is where I lived in an awesomely happy environment, great colleagues and superiors and had the luck to work under the Most Amazing, The Person I Respect Most, Perfection Personified, Frikkin' Amazing Guru - aka, my Boss. Or in simpler terms, the Chief Librarian & Information Officer plus a million other titles he works by. I'm still awed by his humility despite how genius he is. He could have been a mean pig, but he chose to be awesome. Respect.
    This is where I perfected my work ethic and realized I'm a quick learner and pretty sharp at my job. Yay! Major ego boost.
    And how can I forget! This is where I got the chance to meet greats like RBI Governor, ministers of Kerala Cabinet and all. 
    This is where I fell in love with the awesomeness of Tumblr too. And also found and fell irretrievably in love with The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
    This is where I fell in love over and over AND over again with a place. I don't think words can do justice to how unbelievably heavenly my work place is.
See what I'm going on an on about?
The clean, clean, cold air. The long walks downhill, the adorable workplace friends (I love you allllllll!), the everyday joy of going to work here!, and the fact that we get to work in a place where the work ethic mostly consists of 'do your work. no need to stress out. is all.'/ I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting the finer points.
But oh well, one can never explain beauty. Only attempt and fail.

I just made a point to take a mental snapshot of my paradise before I left. (cries into pillow)

   

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Good things ALWAYS follow up when bad things happen

Wheee!! *Does the happy dance*


Was kinda out of alignment from bloggerhood for a while, and now? It feels sooooooo good to be back! Gak, I'd really wanted the entire world to love the song I posted in my last post. Well, doesn't matter since I got two lovely ladies to fall in love with the craziness. Mission 2% success!

Anyhoo, I was having to rough it out for a while these past few weeks. Favorite cousin gone and settled away in Dilli, favorite torrent site for all my Korean tv-stuff being mean and banning me for God-knows-what-weird-reason. And to top all this? I fell sick thanks to hostel food and had to stay put at home for 8 whole days. On Leave from work. And now thanks to getting sick for so long, I've run out of all my Casual Leaves quote. Daaaaaayum. Worse was that my till-then darling hostel-warden not only doesn't give a care, she doesn't even bother asking where on Earth I was away for one whole week. Reason? She knows and doesn't care that lots of us hostel people have been falling sick and stuff. Duhhhhh.

Then I lose all my weight (as if I had any to start with. mph.) and get back to my workplace to find that the canteen has been relocated to the End of the World. Literally the remotest, further-most corner of the whole, wiiiiiiiiiiiiide campus. And even worse? The food has taken a turn for the worse. How am I supposed to get better when you dish out floopy food and give me hundreds of flights of stairs in between to reach the damned-canteen? It's as if the Universe is against me gaining weight. Thou shalt live stick thin and not ever gain even a gram beyond your 39kg self. Gah!

But since I firmly believed that good things always follow bad stuff (that's a tested-to-be-true Islamic saying). No matter even if they come in truck loads or Titanic loads. Here came the awesome news three days into unconcerned hostel authorities, trashy canteen food and the Flights of Horror and 3 days post-recovering:

Pay raise and new job designation!! 

Which means more yayy and that finally we're elevated off from our lowly trainee situation. Awesomeness! Awesome even if our superiors want us to throw them a party for this good news. Whatev, you need pizza, I'mma get you all a pizzeria! Happy mood reigns supreme,
and there came good news # 3:
I now have 3gb+ data to shell out on this month on my smart-ass phone/ Yippeeeeeeeee!!
and the other important good news:
IT'S FINALLY MY FAVORITE SEASON!! MONSOON is here!!!!

I'm sure I've forgotten some other random good stuff going on in my life, but well- all that matter is that nothing can bring me down/ Not mean people, hostels or 1000 steps to cross and reach lunch. Plus I'm happy my decision to stick on with current job went well.
Stay patient, be positive and good things will definitely come your way. =)

Anyone else got good news to share?


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Waving goodbyes, trying not to cry, trying to blot out misery

Omg.
I must have totally lost my mojo. How else do I explain spending over  2 months away from blogging, and still not regretting that?
I've been the laziest bum that ever was let astray on the face of earth and I've been watching; NAY; marathoning dramas, series and movies like the world's ending the very next day. well, it might. but that wasn't my point anyway.

So..
I'm done with my post-grad years. I'm still contemplating research, but not gonna go down that road for a couple o' years anyway.

Thinking back to these last 2 years still makes me feel awfully queasy. or specifically, that week. Uh, yeah i get it that i'm not exactly making sense- but it will when you read on.

All these years as a student- be it at elementary school, high school, college and beyond- i've been one of those goody-two-shoes kind of student. May not have come out first place during school- but I was always loved by teachers. Never exactly did anything wrong, and i was favorite student for quite a lot of my teachers. I'm not kidding when i say that even after all these years, some of them still talk about me with a smile on their face to their current students. ACCEPT IT! I WAS THAT NICE!

Why am I ranting on when it's obviously making lesser and lesser sense?

Hm, let's just say there's someone who feels that way. Ok, i'll just refer to him/her as Someone in this post for now. Someone is temperamental to begin with. Volatile emotions and highly oscillating mood-swings. So one moment Someone is being nice and talking well with me. Next thing I know, I'd called up Someone to confirm stuff about a job offer s/he made to me. Let's just say s/he was planning on making me and another classmate low paid guest lecturers. Like, real dirt cheap. Which was also probably why the call never went the way it should have.

I has said just one sentence to Someone, in English, to keep it polite and formal, unless s/he found me to being rude to their face. Yeah, one has to keep  literally a million things in mind before saying a word to this person. I swear. S blows up right in my face (ear) about how I'm being rude (cos allegedly i spoke throughout the call in English, being distant [WTH? are u kidding me?]), mean, disgusting and to just refuse the job offer if I weren't interested.

Truth is, I'm interested. And S is my teacher. But S didn't even bother answering whether S would be covering for my travel expenses even. Youch. #worstphonecallever
and since he blew out in a rage w/o answering on the pay, my family guesses they weren't gonna pay me much. probably lesser than less.
i cried.

So next time I went with classmates to collect certificates and get the hell outta that place, I knew i'd be facing the wrath of something I knew I didnt deserve. Boy, was I right.

Things said to me:
  • I'm the worst student ever in S's entire life.
  • I'm mercenary (not the exact word, but all the paragraphs worth of ranting s/he spewed in my face amounts to that word I'd say)
  • I should get the hell outta here if i'm expecting same pay scale as guest lecturers.
  • etc etc etc painful stuff.
I kind of cried again right there. Yeah, call me out on being softie, but I can't handle allegations that maketh no sense. I know S can be angry and then go back to nice real quick. Not in my case. Not yet anyway. I also know S regularly abuses every subordinate and hurls fierce insults at them in public. Yeah, not exactly a well-loved person in there I'd say.

Good to have finally gotten out of there. There were great friends, good teachers, beautiful memories.. But why did the ending have to be so messy ?


Anyway,
goodbye my pg years, and dept
adieu,
alvida,
annyeong,
and every other way to finally sever ties with that horrid memory.

Waving goodbyes,
I'll Trying to keep from crying
Closing a chapter of life,
Blotted by black memories and white.

{
o my! that was so spontaneous! *must work on it}

PS- Gilsha, you're an amazing friend whom I never want to lose. Sorry for all the times I may have been mean to you. Forgive me =)

PPS- and no, i didn't take up that job offer. in case you were wondering. not worth the insults i'd've to face anyway.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

And I chose the path less travelled..

..and it makes all the difference.


I chose the less sought after path,
The more prejudiced path,
the more misunderstood path.