Saturday, March 27, 2010

Of heartbreaks and the Heartless

For some, Heartless may remind them of that really popular number by Kanye West, plus the equally amazing Fray cover and makes-me-wanna-swoon cover by Kris Allen.
But, I meant Heartless as in, me. All me.

Last week or the previous one- not sure when; I find it hard to track which day I'm breathing in; anyway, some time back, there was a flurry of break ups, anticipated break ups and all. Good ol' Eddie [Edward] got dumped by his girlfriend. Serves him right, maybe now he'll try to remain single for at least 7 whole days, ha! Then, the same day another friend buzzed about what looked like his break-up related misery. But later it turns out he wasn't even dating in the first place to have been dumped. Or so he says.
Anyhoo, this love is takin' its toll on me.

I just can't stand listening to break ups without laughing at inappropriate grave parts of the "heart-rending" story. When I'm forced to console someone with love failure, I end up overdoing the consoling part, making it seem like someone died.
I never can empathize much with a dumpee. You took the risk and fell in love; you should have been ready for this consequence too! In short, I'm what people call Heartless, all cold-logic, mean. But I'm what I call, self-preserving and practical.


So, don't I ever feel love? Yeah sure, I fall in love, crush and burn every other day. But that's all. All you have to do is show an ion of interest back, and I skitter to the remotest planet possible. Why?
Because I have least possible faith in myself and don't think it possible that I might actually be likeable to people other than friends.But then there are times when I think, hey, I'm too good to be anyone's girl!

I just have crushes on people. Ranging from Sirius Black and Darcy to Keira Knightley. Yes, even Keira. She tops my list of straight, same-sex crushes.

I'm mostly a "So What" and "I Will Survive" kind of person, though thanks to my love for indie and jazz music, I find I'm turning into quite the mellow, laidback romantic.

But right now?
I'm in a very dreamy state thanks to a South Korean novel "Coffee Prince" and the hit drama which followed [same name].
I don't and can't read Korean. I'm reading an English translation of the book and have watched a couple o' episodes of the drama which was loosely translated off the book.
End of Pause.

Clickie here in case you had like to check it out. It unintentionally raises a lot of questions as regards homosexuality, which I loved about it. Apart from the unique love story line.
For now I have succeeded in getting dahlings Gilsha and Remya interested in the story.

And here's something I penned down when I was in a mellow and dejected mood. [sure, the 2 emotions can blend together]

Even if I walk away,
Even if I don't turn back,
Even if didn't smile
Or look your way.

Please don't leave.

I'm scared of a lot of things,
About myself,
About you,
About relationships.
Things that make me run away
Every time I fall for you,
Again and again.

So stay.
Hold me tight,
Lock your fingers with mine.
Pull me back
No matter how hard I may try to run.

It's still in the draft mode, so grin and bear.


Matangi Mawley said...

very well written!

The Wanderer said...

really enjoyed the post!!.. In fact, at some places I thought you were talking about me..lolz..

Love the lines as well.. they don't need any completion.. they sound so right :)

Mohua said...

WOW poem.. i totally mean it.. its as if u just expressed my emotions (only much more beautifully!!)..
As for u being heartless, no u r not.. other than d two people who were in that relationship, i don't really believe anyone else can understand the depth of their feelings or even the value that relation held for them.. so instead of lamely mouthing d words, "i understand, its all right, maybe it happened for good.." blah blah, u prefer to say the truth. Yes, love is a risk, but its a risk worth taking, even worth break ups..
And yes, believe in yourself, u do deserve love, n one day u'll find it.. :)

J said...

didn't go thru the entire post but the poem is simply awesome.

I'll try 2 be truthful said...

"I have least possible faith in myself and don't think it possible that I might actually be likeable to people other than friends.But then there are times when I think, hey, I'm too good to be anyone's girl!"

OMG I have finally found mmy heart sister :D

THAT is exactly the way I've felt since the last 15 years!!!!

same sex crushes?? hmmm hehe deepika P. :D
you sure u not already in love?
'coz that poem is something :)

Azra Raphael said...

@ Mat- thankee!
@ Nishi- u knw the saying, "great minds think alike!" ;)

@ Mohua- thanks yaar! really.. ur idea of why i "console" the way i do, phew!so im not all that bad huh?
i wil try starting to believe myself!

@ J- muchos gracias!

@ truth- heart sister? niiiiiiice! im yours for life, sis! pick me up!! lol.
im not in love. like i said, just "crush 'n' burn all the time.

deepika is a good 'un!

Sonshu said...

Cooool!! Me liked!!

Btw, Im not a bong!! I have 1000000 BONG friends!! So they call me that! :P

eternalthinker said...

NICE poem :)

Anonymous said...


Bluebutterfly said...

It definitely wasn't grin and bear types...Rather oh we think alike kinds :))...
But nice poem.
And oh, I hate the consoling part too, I mean what do you say to the 'dumpee'? I more than often tend to make jokes about the entire thing which leads to me being called cold hearted person.
I take great pleasure in that !!! LOL...
So, I don't really see a way to contact you here so mail me at
I would love to get to know the real you !!!!

Bluebutterfly said...

Oh, and I am in complete love with the header.. I know its old but it just looked awesome today !

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Azra Raphael said...

thank you all!!!!!!