Sunday, May 24, 2009

Entre nous

There comes a point in my life once in a while, when I doubt the things I'm passionate about, and sincerely care for. Like blogging.
You might have noticed that I haven't blogged for almost a month now. And you will DEFINITELY notice that this is a looooooong post,so either you bear with me or well, you always have the option of not reading. [oh,sad, poor me!]

And who would have thought I had end up NOT blogging with so much free time?! There was so much happening with me after all. Loneliness;
facing the imminent future;
understanding how much friends mean to me;
how much materialism counts in my life-but I can do without;
trying to detach myself from cluttered and complicated emotions;
trying to make sense of relationships- the conventional,traditional ones AND the unconventional, free-styled ones-the ones to which you can't give a name but are significant anyway.

So what happened to me? Guess all too much of me-time I got didn't exactly translate to constructive blogging or even make me a better person. hell, I don't even have much of a tolerance yet for things I don't like.

All that I did was waste my time, almost. Cos the one good thing I did do was start to take driving lessons. I feel sooooo goood abt it! Plus I watched a lot of good movies and dramas thanks to cable tv. yay!


Anyways, I wanted to make sense of my myriad relationships. as in- family, friends, non-friends, everything. I have done a teeny post on how I wanted to trade some junk members in my family for friends instead. Seriously, am I supposed to really like you just because you happen to be my relation? No!

Just the same with friends, I can't exactly say how much I love one friend more than another because in one way or another they are all important to me.
This one brings wisdom and sense to my life[vi].
Then there's my singing/ harry potter maniac partner-[vai].
another darling brings out the nastiness in me to the surface-in a sane way, yep-that's my soul-sister-in-mean-thoughts [N].
Then there are the innocence, sweetness, feminity, freakiness elements.
And there's her, without whom I'm practically lost. She helps me with numbers,-if i'm more specific-money matters. cos trust me, I'm kinda bad with numbers.

Funny thing is- I'm in awe of numbers. They're fascinating and I love them-from a distance. The closer I get to them, the more mysterious and complicated they become to me.Just can't handle 'em!

Then there are these fascinating relationships totally based on one aspect of life alone. Sometimes it's music, it's movies, travel, my Korean-drama-obsession, people, books, etc.

Do I have to give names to each and every relationship in my life? Is it necessary that I have to give expression to how I feel about people I love? Isn't it enough that we understand each other, we share something in common or maybe something in difference, and that we complement each other in the weirdest ways?

why should we go with the convention of giving words to every single emotion we feel? sometimes isn't it easy to just let things get tangled up and complicated? why handle things? whoever wanted us to handle things? maybe these things were supposed to remain like this, entangled in knots and knots of incomprehension!

but when you let things be the way they are, there's always the danger of relationships becoming static and un-living. which is why, it's always better that you reach out to people who are different from you,whom you can't understand- then there is always a challenge, every conversation is an excitement, every moment together is full of life.

related to this, I will quote part of a narration i heard on a korean drama. it goes like this,

"It's strange. Even a few days ago, the words 'I can't understand you' carried a negative meaning. But now holding her, whom i can't understand a bit, I find those words appealing. Because we can't understand, we can talk more.
Because we can't understand, all our senses stand on end.
Just because we understand, doesn't mean we love.
We learn one by one.

It has been too much for a post, so I'll save up the rest of my ideas for the next post. Yes everyone who might have noticed that I haven't been blogging in ages,

I'm back!


The Wanderer said...

you are back!!! Oye hoye!! (shin chan style!)

not really sure, but can smell some love in the air..infatuation atleast... ah forget not naming it!!

et said...

Eternal uncertainties of an effortless mind :D

Mohua said...

i think u r too free (read vella in delhi terms) and its only then that we start analyzing things, ppl and relationships.. i can understand.. going thru d same phase myself rite nw.. evrythng's muddled up.. nthng makes sense to me nw..

btw missed u on blog.. hope u'll b more regular like before..

Azra Raphael said...

@ nish- thanks for encouraging me back onto the blog track. i didnt know how much i missed doing this until i blogged again today. thanks really a lot!
lurve? dunno!

@ et- whatever!

@mohua- and i'm missing ur posts too!

Anonymous said...

Good thing you did all that thinking and then came over and wrote about it:)
Strange how I take a break from blogging and come back only to see everyone mulling over their lives...

Pesto Sauce said...

Been here first time....liked your stuff

Azra Raphael said...

@ pesto sauce- thanks. you're welcome to check in anytime!