That negativity-inspiring-muse

 To you,
With loathing and
Wishful thinking
(Since I'll probably never say this aloud).

Time goes so slowly by
When I'm by your side.
And I just can't wait
for the moments together
to get over.

Every word you say is
-trash
Every thought of yours
-better off unsaid
And every single deed of yours
-makes you more tiresome for me.

Why did you have to happen to me?
Why you in my life?
The questions in my head
Annoy me like you.

Sick and tired of your faking
All I want is to stay away from your crazy.
What's the use of those smiles,
When every next word of yours is guaranteed to be lies.
        And when I see you be fake nice  again,
        I want the world to stop doing anything else...
And throw things at you.

You lie,
Don't even blink an eye,
Twist your words,
And not so much of guilt or regret in anyway.

Nothing about you works
the right way round.
You'd chat, lie, be mean
if that got you a win.

But when I try to bite back,
Not fight back,
Curb the bad feelings towards you?
     There you come shuffling in,
     with all that contagious negative vibes in tow-
              So immense they could ruin a whole continent
              So vile that I'm scared by mere proximity
              So manipulative that I want to scream and
                   want the world to know the truth of you.
              So false, it's bizarre no one notices.

I look at you,
and all I can think is
-bitchface.
Doesn't matter what others think you are,
I know you for what you are-
and that's:
    Awful through-and-through
    Shame to my gender,
    Hypocrite,
    Why, no principles whatsoever.

She thought you're just silly,
He thinks you're not much,
They think you're just a random normal somebody,
But only I can see that you're my personal nightmare-come-to-life.

What've you done to me,
Messing up a good girl's soul
Somehow trying to make me mean like you.
And I never hated on anyone,
Never ever badmouthed even the foulest person I knew.
   But you turned things round,
   Screwed my good life.

All I want is away from your drama
Exit-Stage-Left.

Be sad and rich or be happy and footloose?

The things people do and seek out, try out.. all the sake for that very elusive drug called happiness. Really, in the end, when you're asked, "why do you study?"
-"to get a job."
"why do you need a job?"
-"to earn money and fend for myself, stand up on my own feet."
"and after that, what?"

Well what follows is that either you haven't planned that far out into the future, and you're not that into philosophy and the baggage it comes with.

I was just doing a bit of introspection [which really means lotsa thinking when you're bored with nothing better to do, really!] and how I'm faring- now that I'm settled down as a trainee/intern/whateveryouwannacallem- and very happy too-- but with the meagre stipend only. And since I'm lucky enough not to be worried about matters of more gravity like having to substantially provide for family etc, I have the freedom to live off on my own.

And I wondered.

If I were offered a well-paid job as guest lecturer at my former college under that very scary boss. Would I pick that up stat? Or would I rather live light-hearted on a measly stipend off on my own?

Funnily enough, as much as I'd like all the extra moolah I could possibly earn- I would choose the second option. I get the experience of working under one of the awesomest, known-across-library scenario-in the world, nicest boss/Chief at one of the awesomest campus around India. Hey, it's not every day you get to work for a whole year at a campus that resembles a hill station dammit!

YOU check the previous post and THEN you check out the campus I'm at. AND you decide.

Happiness? Or money?

Waving goodbyes, trying not to cry, trying to blot out misery

Omg.
I must have totally lost my mojo. How else do I explain spending over  2 months away from blogging, and still not regretting that?
I've been the laziest bum that ever was let astray on the face of earth and I've been watching; NAY; marathoning dramas, series and movies like the world's ending the very next day. well, it might. but that wasn't my point anyway.

So..
I'm done with my post-grad years. I'm still contemplating research, but not gonna go down that road for a couple o' years anyway.

Thinking back to these last 2 years still makes me feel awfully queasy. or specifically, that week. Uh, yeah i get it that i'm not exactly making sense- but it will when you read on.

All these years as a student- be it at elementary school, high school, college and beyond- i've been one of those goody-two-shoes kind of student. May not have come out first place during school- but I was always loved by teachers. Never exactly did anything wrong, and i was favorite student for quite a lot of my teachers. I'm not kidding when i say that even after all these years, some of them still talk about me with a smile on their face to their current students. ACCEPT IT! I WAS THAT NICE!

Why am I ranting on when it's obviously making lesser and lesser sense?

Hm, let's just say there's someone who feels that way. Ok, i'll just refer to him/her as Someone in this post for now. Someone is temperamental to begin with. Volatile emotions and highly oscillating mood-swings. So one moment Someone is being nice and talking well with me. Next thing I know, I'd called up Someone to confirm stuff about a job offer s/he made to me. Let's just say s/he was planning on making me and another classmate low paid guest lecturers. Like, real dirt cheap. Which was also probably why the call never went the way it should have.

I has said just one sentence to Someone, in English, to keep it polite and formal, unless s/he found me to being rude to their face. Yeah, one has to keep  literally a million things in mind before saying a word to this person. I swear. S blows up right in my face (ear) about how I'm being rude (cos allegedly i spoke throughout the call in English, being distant [WTH? are u kidding me?]), mean, disgusting and to just refuse the job offer if I weren't interested.

Truth is, I'm interested. And S is my teacher. But S didn't even bother answering whether S would be covering for my travel expenses even. Youch. #worstphonecallever
and since he blew out in a rage w/o answering on the pay, my family guesses they weren't gonna pay me much. probably lesser than less.
i cried.

So next time I went with classmates to collect certificates and get the hell outta that place, I knew i'd be facing the wrath of something I knew I didnt deserve. Boy, was I right.

Things said to me:

• I'm the worst student ever in S's entire life.
• I'm mercenary (not the exact word, but all the paragraphs worth of ranting s/he spewed in my face amounts to that word I'd say)
• I should get the hell outta here if i'm expecting same pay scale as guest lecturers.
• etc etc etc painful stuff.

I kind of cried again right there. Yeah, call me out on being softie, but I can't handle allegations that maketh no sense. I know S can be angry and then go back to nice real quick. Not in my case. Not yet anyway. I also know S regularly abuses every subordinate and hurls fierce insults at them in public. Yeah, not exactly a well-loved person in there I'd say.

Good to have finally gotten out of there. There were great friends, good teachers, beautiful memories.. But why did the ending have to be so messy ?

Anyway,
goodbye my pg years, and dept

adieu,

alvida,

annyeong,

and every other way to finally sever ties with that horrid memory.

Waving goodbyes,
I'll Trying to keep from crying
Closing a chapter of life,
Blotted by black memories and white.

{o my! that was so spontaneous! *must work on it}

PS- Gilsha, you're an amazing friend whom I never want to lose. Sorry for all the times I may have been mean to you. Forgive me =)

PPS- and no, i didn't take up that job offer. in case you were wondering. not worth the insults i'd've to face anyway.

Why I used to heart Potsecret a lot

Now playing (forever playing): Walking Far From Home- Iron and Wine
Found this slice-of-heaven of a song from a blog I stalk day and night.Iron and Wine make insanely beautiful music, and in case you haven't ever tried them out, try now!
You could try the above song, plus their Each Coming Night which is so soothing that I can't even put the feeling into words!


Since I don't seem to have the time to actually post anything regular these days, I'm posting my favorite Valentine-related postsecrets in the last three years. here goes!
Starting with the older ones

Karma's a bitch and i should've known

And hey you,

No-

I didn't die.

I didn't disappear either.

I'm just wondering what happened to you-

Selective amnesia?

P.S. - serves me right though. Usually I'm the one pulling disappearing acts on others.

Randomness

Last year, when I was livin' it up as an Under-Grad, Life Was Beautiful, amazing, and most importantly; IRRESPONSIBLE.

not anymore. I don't think I'm being able to get away with any of my normal goofy-ness or lousy behavior thanks to the in-house dictator at my new place. Yep everyone, I'm doing my Masters currently, as y'all might have already noticed. And unfortunately for me, I spend my time under an uber-strict disciplinarian. Ouch. That hurts essentially. Even more when you remember that I'm too much a bohemian to put up with demands for perfection. Anyways, enuf!
Let's talk about nicer stuff.

*Previous years' regulars on my blog; my beautiful girlfriends are all scattered around the state, away from me. [*one long sigh, and then getting back my act together] Missing them all!
The coolest thing though? NONE of us chose our direct Master's course. As in, apart from Vaika[who's an Economics grad], everyone of my gang is a Functional English grad [DYSfunctional if you please].

1. I chose Master in Library and Information Science [doesn't sound posh or swanky, but is quite a good choice] {MLISc}
   
2. Namitha chose Masters in Journalism. {MCJ}
   
3. Vinaya chose PG in Social Work.{MSW}
4. Vaikhari dahling is doing Master in International Relations. [DEFINITELY swanky!]
5. Ragitha is doing her MBA
6. Oh! Prajisha got married! Might take up Bachelor in Edu next year,hopefully.
7. Nimisha is in her Master of Hospital Administration, and loving it. [actually, everyone's loving what they chose!]
8. And our very sporty Vrindha is ready for some literal jet-settin' with her IATA studies.

See? I absolutely LOVE how different we are from the normal lot. =)


*Next bit of randomness is something quite big.
MY COUSIN BRO'S WIFE DEAR HAS BAGGED THE SECOND RANK IN HER UNIVERSITY FOR PG STATISTICS!! yippeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

*I'm soooo proud of the people I love!
Another of the people I really really adore and love is gearing up for her UGC NET exam in English Literature. Aw, I love her sooo much! =)

*I've officially fallen in love with my all-new,shorter hair. I don't exactly flaunt it at college, but I do at home, much to mom dear's chagrin. ;)

*Waiting for December to come save me, 'cos by end of first week of December my semester exams will be O.V.E.R. Then I can go and kill myself over the amazing books at my University library, plus watch the tonnes of good movies in my system.

*Again waiting for the time of December, to have a real, looooooong chat with my wonderful online neighbours. Plus do some quality blogging.

*I would soooooo love to drive up and down to college on my own. But then, I would miss out on the daily chaos I get from public transport!

*I'm working on this imaginary script where I'm settled in Delhi as a librarian with a BIG salary. Single, and friends strewn all over the metro. Niiiiice. I grab an occassional pani-puri once in a while during the story [somethin I don't get here in South India much]

*Probably forgotten the better bits of randomness. But hell, I'm late for college! Byyyyye!!

Just being random

I was terribly mean y'day. For a moment, I just lose myself to the wicked selfish demon in me. Sorry sweetie! I really didn't mean to hurt you, it happened on an impulse.
Apart from that I was being myself. Morning Vinaya,Vaikhari and myself go to a video rental shop (which is one whole lollipop far away{waise, the lollipop was yummy!}), and rent a lot of cd's to last for the 4 days at home. Yes sirreee, it holiday time again, sigh! Now you'll have to put up with my whining. From the lot I rented, I've already finished watching one cd. Its an 80's Malayalam slapstick movie and had me rolling all over my chair clutching my sides laughing!

Oh, by the way, I really got blown away by this song of Linkin Park "Leave out all the rest", I'd heard it a couple of times before. But yesterday, somehow I felt like I was listening to it for the first time.. Powerful words, about the same insecurity most of us have. "Will I be missed when I'm gone?" That kind of thing.. I'm giving the lyrics below, couldn't resist myself!
I dreamed I was missing/You were so scared
But no one would listen/'Cause no one else cared.

After my dreaming/I woke with this fear
What am I leaving/When I'm done here


So if you're asking/Then I want you to know-

When my time comes/Forget the wrongs that I've done
Help me leave behind some/Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me/When you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory/ Leave out all the rest..Leave out all the rest
Thats just the beginning, but doncha agree it's beautiful? Sadow of thee day is another soothing song, I loved.

Lets change topics. I had a class test this monday. And for the first time this year, I see every of my classmates together in the classroom! Happy time! Nah, mates aren't so nerdy to sit together just bcos of a test. This one was the internal assessment stuff. Good paper, but answer paper proved to be sliiiiiiightly tough, hehe! But it was more about creative writing, so that was fun. And I was acting pretty weird. I'd finish writing the answer to something,and I'd whistle.
Loud and clear.
Which irritated Vinaya, who kept kicking me whenever I whistled. I was pretty much whistling throughout the test paper! Which reminds me, Namitha doesn't know how to aankh-maarna (wink), or to whistle! The rest of the buddies know the one-eyed saucy wink, but whistling is yet to mastered. I know how to whistle! I know!
And that reminds me, I believe we have a telepathic bond; us girls. 'Cos, whener one suggested something or remarked something, the rest would look up in amazement and say,"I was thinking the same damn thing!" And if you're still skeptic, get lost! This telepathy just seems to get stronger day by day!

Global warming is DEFINITELY around. I know I must be worried at changed climate patterns, but how can I ever be worried when its raining?! Rain makes me fall in love with e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g ! Simply everything. Even the baddest situation is only manageable if it happens when it raining. My only grievances are the constant power cuts and the sticky wet mud.

I came across this website called guitarshredshow. You can learn all about how to play guitars from this website,according to them. I checked it, and a virtual guru comes up and asks me to breathe in and out,in and out,in and out...until finally I lose patience and say,"buzz off!" So if you check this website and understand whats it all about, do tell me!

And I really wanna the bike rides. Truly,madly,deeply wishing for some long rides in the rain. Namitha and yours truly are at college, and whenever some friend zooms past on a bike, we're like, "mera number kab aayega,jaan?" Some hard hitting, thriller ride anyone?

Drew a lot of flak from Vinaya and Vaikhari for the candid contempt I have for the regional movies. I say things like "blae", and make faces when they discuss Malayalam and Tamil movies. They really hate that. And for them its almost patriotism! As if I'm some anti national! Vaikhari gives me a speech that wherever I go across the world, these are the things I willl be identified with. Now that I think of it, maybe she thought I hate the whole culture. No. I love my place, the colourful culture, the ironical dry humour, the many festivals.. If anything, I'm proud of it all. But please don't ask me to watch 'em movies. Except for a very rare few, I think the industry hasn't much to offer.

By the way, I'm thinking of doing a DIY pedicure. Any tips?

SUB-POST
J asked for the compilation that made it rain. Here goes!
Umbrella-Rihanna
Peelo-Outlandish
Creamer-Limp Bizkit
My sacrifice-Creed
In my place-Coldplay
Stan-Eminem
Remember the name-Fort Minor
My Immortal/ Bring me to life/ Imaginary- Evanescence
Wake me up when September ends-Green Day
Cold hard bitch-Jet
Twisted Transisitor-Korn
Wake/Hands held high/The little things give you away/Shadow of the Day/Leave out all the rest/ What I've done/ My december/Its going down/One step closer- Linkin Park
Sweet Home Alabama-Lynyrd Skynyrd
Figured you out/If everyone cared/Far away-Nickel Black
This I promise you- N'Sync
Californication/Dani California- RHCP
I knew I loved you/Affirmation/ Animal Song-Savage Garden
Addicted-Simple Plan
Wherever you will go-The Calling
Headstrong-Trapt
Sail away/No fear-Rasmus

So? If you can pick out which my rain-feel songs are, 10 points to you! And if you can make out which my personal favourites are, bonus points and a yellow star too! Here's a clue, I simply lurve hard rock and jazz. Plus punk,funk, slow, blah blah. Sorry. that was a pretty tough clue. But what can I say? I love every genre. Reggae, electronic, metal, strings whatevah. I love music.
Have a rainy day,I hope! I'm having rain here.
J, I dunno if the charm of the rain wears off when passing the compilation along. Good luck anyway.

'Ta!
P.S- I'm watching "Music and Lyrics", good movie, as far as I saw. Can anybuddy get me the lyrics of "way back into love"?Please, please? Pretty please?

To you

This to you-I'm not specifying,sorry.
You'd better know that I love my faith, and truly stand to my principles. So when I realise that someone is having misconceptions about my religion,I try to straighten the misunderstanding, make them see the light.
But you?
You come to sudden conclusions,exclaiming that "I never expected you to be like this..blah-blah".Even your eyes show your disillusionment. Do you know how much irritating it is to know that a friend isn't understanding enough even to listen to what you have to say?
I know this post seems a bit harsh.
But I say it here, 'cos I can't say it to your face. You are too immature to accept things.
Signing off bitterly,Raphael.