That negativity-inspiring-muse

 To you,
With loathing and
Wishful thinking
(Since I'll probably never say this aloud).

Time goes so slowly by
When I'm by your side.
And I just can't wait
for the moments together
to get over.

Every word you say is
-trash
Every thought of yours
-better off unsaid
And every single deed of yours
-makes you more tiresome for me.

Why did you have to happen to me?
Why you in my life?
The questions in my head
Annoy me like you.

Sick and tired of your faking
All I want is to stay away from your crazy.
What's the use of those smiles,
When every next word of yours is guaranteed to be lies.
        And when I see you be fake nice  again,
        I want the world to stop doing anything else...
And throw things at you.

You lie,
Don't even blink an eye,
Twist your words,
And not so much of guilt or regret in anyway.

Nothing about you works
the right way round.
You'd chat, lie, be mean
if that got you a win.

But when I try to bite back,
Not fight back,
Curb the bad feelings towards you?
     There you come shuffling in,
     with all that contagious negative vibes in tow-
              So immense they could ruin a whole continent
              So vile that I'm scared by mere proximity
              So manipulative that I want to scream and
                   want the world to know the truth of you.
              So false, it's bizarre no one notices.

I look at you,
and all I can think is
-bitchface.
Doesn't matter what others think you are,
I know you for what you are-
and that's:
    Awful through-and-through
    Shame to my gender,
    Hypocrite,
    Why, no principles whatsoever.

She thought you're just silly,
He thinks you're not much,
They think you're just a random normal somebody,
But only I can see that you're my personal nightmare-come-to-life.

What've you done to me,
Messing up a good girl's soul
Somehow trying to make me mean like you.
And I never hated on anyone,
Never ever badmouthed even the foulest person I knew.
   But you turned things round,
   Screwed my good life.

All I want is away from your drama
Exit-Stage-Left.

Waving goodbyes, trying not to cry, trying to blot out misery

Omg.
I must have totally lost my mojo. How else do I explain spending over  2 months away from blogging, and still not regretting that?
I've been the laziest bum that ever was let astray on the face of earth and I've been watching; NAY; marathoning dramas, series and movies like the world's ending the very next day. well, it might. but that wasn't my point anyway.

So..
I'm done with my post-grad years. I'm still contemplating research, but not gonna go down that road for a couple o' years anyway.

Thinking back to these last 2 years still makes me feel awfully queasy. or specifically, that week. Uh, yeah i get it that i'm not exactly making sense- but it will when you read on.

All these years as a student- be it at elementary school, high school, college and beyond- i've been one of those goody-two-shoes kind of student. May not have come out first place during school- but I was always loved by teachers. Never exactly did anything wrong, and i was favorite student for quite a lot of my teachers. I'm not kidding when i say that even after all these years, some of them still talk about me with a smile on their face to their current students. ACCEPT IT! I WAS THAT NICE!

Why am I ranting on when it's obviously making lesser and lesser sense?

Hm, let's just say there's someone who feels that way. Ok, i'll just refer to him/her as Someone in this post for now. Someone is temperamental to begin with. Volatile emotions and highly oscillating mood-swings. So one moment Someone is being nice and talking well with me. Next thing I know, I'd called up Someone to confirm stuff about a job offer s/he made to me. Let's just say s/he was planning on making me and another classmate low paid guest lecturers. Like, real dirt cheap. Which was also probably why the call never went the way it should have.

I has said just one sentence to Someone, in English, to keep it polite and formal, unless s/he found me to being rude to their face. Yeah, one has to keep  literally a million things in mind before saying a word to this person. I swear. S blows up right in my face (ear) about how I'm being rude (cos allegedly i spoke throughout the call in English, being distant [WTH? are u kidding me?]), mean, disgusting and to just refuse the job offer if I weren't interested.

Truth is, I'm interested. And S is my teacher. But S didn't even bother answering whether S would be covering for my travel expenses even. Youch. #worstphonecallever
and since he blew out in a rage w/o answering on the pay, my family guesses they weren't gonna pay me much. probably lesser than less.
i cried.

So next time I went with classmates to collect certificates and get the hell outta that place, I knew i'd be facing the wrath of something I knew I didnt deserve. Boy, was I right.

Things said to me:

• I'm the worst student ever in S's entire life.
• I'm mercenary (not the exact word, but all the paragraphs worth of ranting s/he spewed in my face amounts to that word I'd say)
• I should get the hell outta here if i'm expecting same pay scale as guest lecturers.
• etc etc etc painful stuff.

I kind of cried again right there. Yeah, call me out on being softie, but I can't handle allegations that maketh no sense. I know S can be angry and then go back to nice real quick. Not in my case. Not yet anyway. I also know S regularly abuses every subordinate and hurls fierce insults at them in public. Yeah, not exactly a well-loved person in there I'd say.

Good to have finally gotten out of there. There were great friends, good teachers, beautiful memories.. But why did the ending have to be so messy ?

Anyway,
goodbye my pg years, and dept

adieu,

alvida,

annyeong,

and every other way to finally sever ties with that horrid memory.

Waving goodbyes,
I'll Trying to keep from crying
Closing a chapter of life,
Blotted by black memories and white.

{o my! that was so spontaneous! *must work on it}

PS- Gilsha, you're an amazing friend whom I never want to lose. Sorry for all the times I may have been mean to you. Forgive me =)

PPS- and no, i didn't take up that job offer. in case you were wondering. not worth the insults i'd've to face anyway.

Karma's a bitch and i should've known

And hey you,

No-

I didn't die.

I didn't disappear either.

I'm just wondering what happened to you-

Selective amnesia?

P.S. - serves me right though. Usually I'm the one pulling disappearing acts on others.

twisted.torn.exasperated.depressed

[continuing on the last post]
...And what happens when none of your hard work shows?
You end up not being your usual best,
Disappoint everyone who had lots of expectations pinned on you,
/because-
[either the long wait took a toll on you,
or
you were just too confident and didn't bother to be better prepared]/

And all that's left are broken expectations, hopes, mortification.
None of that bombarding with rhetoric you'd hoped to cash in on.
* * * * * *

Neither do you win for the film review which you wrote so well.

The saddest

Not missing dads or being alone.

The saddest is when extremists attack and bring blame to a whole community who have got nothing to do with violence.

Another saddest is when they bring hate and suspicion among people who live in harmony and peace.

The hope is alive when we come together as a nation holding hands and show the evil-doers how much we love each other and that love is too strong to be broken by heinous crimes.

The prayer is that we can make it through the bad phases of the country and have a future as one single,united nation.

The happiness is when we believe in each other, no matter which God we may believe in.

Hoping to spread the love,
Raphael.

Cracking on the surface

Am I the only one who had a pukey day today?
Today was totally trashy.
I wish this day never happened.

The only nice part was a feel good conversation with my cousin's friend. Who happens to be my friend. She also happens to be my friend's cousin. Weird!

Why am I even posting this? My mood is immensely evil. I'm ready for any kind of dare devilry right now.

Bye.
Graaaaaaaah.
As if this matters.

Fractures

Bad day yesterday.
Grand aunt fell and broke her hip bone(I think it was her hip). Hope she gets well soon and comes back home.Mom's staying with her at the hospital.There might be an op for grand aunt soon to get her mended.Praying that she will have a speedy recovery.